I am sat sleepless and alone once more, and all I want to do is cry. I want to curl up in my love's arms and cry till e'ery tear turns a mill.I want to reverse the clock, to change my fate. I want my old life back- the life before i became a medically ill person- before i became so broken and quiet- the life where I was working towards something. I was going to become a combat medic I had everything figured out, I was going to be the best combat medic I could- I was going to be something if only in uniform if only if that something was another teammate that may die in combat- i was going to be a solder and stand tall with my brothers and sisters. All that gone now. all lost and broken dreams all due to a illness I never asked for, a hand I never wanted a life I was forced into.
Now I sit alone praying my love doesn't go back to his military to fortunes he wishes to advance and i pray him be in good health. I long to be by his side the next time he tells me of his pain-
I sit here alone wishing many things were not how they are and wishing many things stayed the same- I sit here feeling lost and tired. Wanting to cry, but they say all the best things in life comes after the pain- and I guess if that is so then my time with my love will be the reward
All i want to do is harm myself, i am so sad and so angry- nothing i do seems good enough. Forced out of high school for being constantly sick- my attempts at a GED is just a joke to the modern world and smile that isn't mine- and a laugh that never was
All I want to do is cry and sleep forever- can't land a job no matter how hard I search
busted phone, temper lost- shit that just screwed me more - live with that regret live with in. Bite my cheek and smile, act happy- wonder how my friend is- then remember she likely never wants to see me again-
sot wishing i could just spend another night at her place, then recall how we were like the polars- the times I was to loud and her annoyance or the times her word made me cry- the worthlessness i felt knowing I could never help her and the days she would visit me in a hospital- smiles- dumb jokes and laughs- how did we lose contact? I am not even sure, does it matter? not not really- nothing matters when you live a mask and live behind the lies you so desperately want to buy into
end it all
just end it all
my head screams of the same words
just end it all
but I can't I have someone that needs me, a person that admits he's be nowhere without my help- that doesn't want me to die
shit just down the pill take a shot it will be alright, smiles till you cry it will be okay
go to him talk to him, do so daily because i need him..more than he knows. my life my purest self is owed to him i can not leave him, i won't hurt him
just wait it out, just keep moving it will be okay.
another sleepless night